The CHAV Awards

Roll up, roll up for the biggest event in the Hollywood calendar - the awards ceremony for Charlie's Happy Adventures in Vanny (or the "CHAVs" for short).

Yes everybody is here tonight for the premiere red carpet event with punctual Germany first to arrive followed in by colourful Turkey. Holland rocks up late in his aviator sunglasses and a blonde girl on each arm while Poland is already downing vodkas at the bar with the triplets of the Baltic States. Austria has turned up in his pristine tailored suit and Italy is working the room and discussing the latest fashions in her long fur coat. Meanwhile it's lucky the likes of Albania and Moldova have managed to sneak past everyone through the back door.

At the front, menacing Serbia is manning the door, crewing gum, and looking over Kosovo and Bosnia as possible troublemakers. The press are out in force on the red carpet but nobody seems to know who Andorra, Macedonia and Luxembourg even are. Meanwhile, the stunning Scandinavian twins of Norway and Sweden have arrived with their stylish brother Denmark but a nervous and shifty Ukraine is clinging on to nearby Mother Russia.

Finally, once the guests have taken their seats and Monaco has ordered his table a bottle of Dom Perignon in a bucket of ice, the ceremony can begin, starting with the CHAV award for "The Friendliest People". And the nominations are…

The Moldovans - Generous, friendly and keen to give a positive impression of their country to any visitor.

The Danes - Fun and interesting once you break through their initial quiet mannerisms.

The Dutch - Both in Holland and right across Europe, any excuse for a party gets a big orange thumbs-up.

The Turks - Where hospitality is a huge part of the culture, Turkey's people are passionate, generous and welcoming.

The Estonians - Often very reserved but always a huge amount of fun and game for a beer or two.

And the winner is… the Dutch, who gave me such great times in Rotterdam and Amsterdam as well as in Budapest.

The next award of the night goes to "The Best Of The West". In a trip which was dominated by a desire to see Eastern Europe, the western superpowers still played their part and are honoured here tonight. The nominees are… 

Amsterdam, Holland - Sometimes seedy but mostly just fun, welcoming and beautiful in equal measure.

Florence, Italy - The Tuscan beauty which is awash with stunning architecture and great food.

Paris, France - The French capital seems to have every possible attribute crammed inside it, where to start...

Barcelona, Spain - Where the perfect weather, city life and classical arts meet bang on the Spanish east-coast.

Berlin, Germany - Cultural and entertaining, classical and modern, Berlin is an all-round masterpiece.

And the winner is… Berlin, a city of vibrancy and colour which seamlessly merges the old and the new in complete harmony. A Thankful Germany comes up to accept his award.

The next CHAV is awarded for "The Best Accommodation" on the trip. Without further adieu, the nominations go to…

Panorama Camping, Turkey - £5 a night for everything a camper could need, plus a pool, bar, and the best dawn view on the planet.

Manga Hostel, Serbia - Belgrade had very little to excite me but this colourful, cheap and clean hostel was the best I stayed in.

Air Camping, Czech Rep - It may be in the middle of nowhere but this little unplanned stop has it's own bowling alley and air strip!

Wok Camping, Poland - As quiet, secure and clean as it is possible to get in Warsaw, complete with a great little bar too.

Georgi & Rosanna's, Macedonia - A great room with terrific view and my own personal lakeside patio, superb.

And the winner is… Panorama Camping, a superb site in the middle of Cappadocia with the best viewing spot for the 5am hot air balloons that pass overhead. Turkey comes up to collect her award with a beaming smile on behalf of over-excitable campsite owner Ahmed.

The following award is given for "The Best Of Nature", areas of outstanding natural beauty. The nominees in this category are… 

The High Tatra's, Slovakia - Bordering Slovakia and Poland, this mountain range is a trekkers dream.

Plitvice Lakes, Croatia - Truly stunning, the lakes come is colours I didn't even know existed.

Moravian Karst, Czech Rep - The jaw-dropping limestone caves are only matched by the underground river.

Lake Bohinj, Slovenia - While Bled attracts the tourists, Bohinj is arguably even more spectacular.

Cappadocia, Turkey - An epic landscape in the middle of nowhere which belongs on another planet entirely.

And the winner is… The Moravian Karst, host to the Punkva Cave amongst many others and an underground river which leaves visitors speechless.

The next award is for "The Best Drinking Establishment" and gets a roar from the crowd while Poland topples off his barstool in the background. The nominations are…

The Aeroplane Bar, Olomouc, Czech Rep - A plane in the centre of town converted into a bar and showing films on the in-flight monitors - genius.

7-Stern-Brau Brewery, Vienna, Austria - Some of the best beers I tasted on my trip from the fiery chilli beer to the novelty Marijuana one.

Cafe d'Art, Constanta, Romania - Pick one of a million cocktails and drink in a bar built around the living trees which sprout through the floor and ceiling.

Valley Of Beautiful Women, Eger, Hungary - Drinking wine straight from the cellar caves while the live bands play and the locals dance. Don't believe the name though!

Prater Beer Garden, Berlin, Germany - No-nonsense pints of terrific home-brewed beer to drink in the garden under the lanterns, fantastic.

And the winner is… Eger's Valley Of Beautiful Women, fantastic wine sold straight from the caves for pennies a glass. A beaming Hungary takes to the stage to accept the statuette.

Our next CHAV will be awarded for "The Best Free Festival" (thereby ruling out Hungary's superb week-long Sziget Festival). The nominations are…

Skopje Wine Festival, Macedonia - Cheap wine…free snacks…live bands…fantastic city…24 hours a day…Bingo!

Bohemia Jazz Festival, Czech Rep - Great musicians playing for free late into a night that will live long in the memory.

Krakow Jewish Festival, Poland - Once more the combination of drink, great company, cracking music and a local flavour.

Moldova's 20 Years Of Independence, Moldova - An epic night for a country that most people couldn't place on a map.

Vilnius Folk Festival, Lithuania - The most fun I have had within 100m of the campsite, complete with music, beer, food and fire.

And the winner is… Moldova's 20 Years Of Independence Celebrations. A visibly shocked and overwhelmed Moldova shuffles to the stage and bursts into tears with pride.

The next award will be given to "The Best Supporting Town", a little place which unexpectedly captured my heart. The nominations are…

Kotor, Montenegro  - Whether it is the old town, the mountains, the crystal blue bay or the ring of lights at night time, Kotor is fantastic.

Brno, Czech Rep - The pick of several laid back Czech towns, Brno is cheap, quirky, gorgeous and everything in between too.

Bled, Slovenia - Take a lake, surround it by mountains, stick a church on an island in the middle, a castle on the cliff edge, cook until al dente.

Ohrid, Macedonia - This old town on the edge of the most picturesque lake filled with fish and enclosed by green hills is an absolute dream.

Plovdiv, Bulgaria - Stunning old colourful buildings give no hint to this bustling town on the weekend where the beers flow until very late.

And the winner is… spectacular Bled in Slovenia.

The following award is given to "The Best Building" of the trip and the nominations go to…

Schonnbrun Palace, Vienna, Austria - Unmatched anywhere for sheer grandeur, the Hasburgs Palace is mind-numbingly big and splendid. 

Rila Monastery, Rila, Bulgaria - For all the wealthy over-the-top churches, this hand-built colourful monastery is what religions should be about.

Library Of Celsus, Ephesus, Turkey - Now just a ruin, the library is the centre-piece of a lost civilisation and one of the ancient wonders of the world.

Duomo, Florence, Italy - The banded stripes of the Duomo can be seen for miles around and the one-of-a-kind dome is an architectural masterstroke.

Aya Sofia, Istanbul, Turkey - Colossal, stunning and lined with gold, the Aya Sofia is a feat of engineering only slightly beating the Blue Mosque that faces it.

And the winner is… The Rila Monastery in Bulgaria.

And finally we move on to the two biggest awards of the night, beginning with the CHAV for "The Best City". The nominations are…

Vilnius - Lithuania's little-known capital has a small town feel and big city fun, all at half the price.

Copenhagen - Incredibly stylish, sophisticated, design-mad, eco-friendly and open all hours.

Stockholm - a cultural and architectural masterpiece set on what feels like it's own set of islands.

Tallinn - Another Baltic gem, stunning by day and explosive by night then throw in a beach or two as well.

Dubrovnik - Out of season, Dubrovnik is the jewel in Croatia's crown and you get it almost all to yourself.

And the winner is… Copenhagen! Denmark's cosmopolitan capital just edging out it's rivals by a hair's breadth.

Last but not least, we come to the award for "The Best Country" and the room falls silent in anticipation. The nominations are…

Czech Rep - Beautiful cities, friendly people and excellent beer all across the country.

Croatia - A coastline to die for combined with an underrated capital in Zagreb.

Turkey - Passion, colour, diversity and beauty just about sums Turkey up in a nutshell.

Hungary - Get lively in Budapest and Lake Balaton or just chill out in Eger's wine paradise. Bliss.

Macedonia - A relaxed lifestyle combined with unparalleled natural beauty all over.

And the winner of the most coveted CHAV of the night goes to… Czech Republic! He comes to accept his award amongst a flurry of camera flashes and warm applause.

As the event starts to draw to a close, the journalists leave to write their reports and the stars depart to the numerous after-parties.


See you next year. Cue music. Fade to credits.